


The Last Sunset

by Rofy



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Acceptance, Age Difference, Angst, F/M, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Separations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 17:50:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20029876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rofy/pseuds/Rofy
Summary: They say the most spectacular moments in life catch you by surprise when you least expect them, something amazing is happening and before you know it, it’s gone...





	The Last Sunset

And then the day came when the Enterprise was back on her feet ready for the next adventure. Captain Christopher Pike’s mission on board the Discovery was completed, the menace averted and everything was in order; everything was where it was supposed to be. All the pieces in place to lead him to his future.

The future he never envisioned for himself.

When destroying Control and Leland had occupied his mind he was glad to have a distraction, something that would consume his thoughts so much that at night he would do nothing but fall into a restless sleep and then start again.

Now that the goal had been achieved and life was returning to its usual routine, he was running out of things to entertain his mind with. Some days he felt as though if he stayed on board Discovery nothing would happen, like he could keep borrowing time he might no longer have.

Chris really wanted to go back to his ship but he also knew that he was going to miss his Discovery crew. They had become his family almost without him realizing.

Detmer and Owo always there, right in front of him. Keyla with her kind smile and Joanne with her calm demeanor, even in the face of danger. Saru with his words of wisdom and his encyclopedic knowledge of the rules Chris was a bit fond of breaking. Bryce and Rhys with their steady support and efficiency. Michael with her Vulcan mind and human heart always providing the right questions. Paul with his sweet and cranky mood, Jett and her fix-it-all chewing gum.

And then there was her. The young ensign that always managed to put a smile on his face with her unfiltered personality. The one that fell in love with Newton’s laws and added the word “time” to phenomena to make them sound cooler, the one that got excited with violations of causality and tried her best not to swear while on duty. The brightest officer on board the ship. Discovery's own shining star. Its own little sun.

As Chris collected his belongings from his quarters he kept remembering the previous day when he had, for no sane reason, kissed her. It had been the sweetest error in judgment, the most delightful faux-pass in his career, maybe the best mistake of his life.

They say the most spectacular moments in life catch you by surprise when you least expect them, something amazing is happening and before you know it, it’s gone.

It had been his last house-keeping round before leaving Discovery. Short meetings with the officers and some crew members, acknowledgments and recognitions, pieces of advice. And in her case, her training, her goals, the CTP. Nothing special.

Except for the fact that now he knew.

He knew what his future held for him and his minutes were numbered. Every step he took, every word he said, was no longer an ability but a privilege. He couldn’t stop thinking about the things he would have done differently, the things he had given up for his career, the fun he didn’t have, the places he never visited, the fears he didn’t face, the loves he kept to himself. It occurred to him that even his kisses had been numbered now and for some reason that made him feel sad, and the idea that he would no longer embark on a relationship with the prospect of a future free from pain and sorrow only made the burden heavier. Of course he could be with someone. But why? The kind of woman he loved to love was reliable, trustworthy, affectionate, sweet, loyal, the kind of woman who would not be daunted by tragedy, the kind of woman that wouldn’t walk away when the storm hit. He knew he could just be with someone for the sake of not being alone, but it just wasn’t who he was. He’d had his fair share of forgettable nights and meaningless kisses; he didn’t want that anymore. But knowing what he knew, wasn’t it selfish to do that to someone? He knew he couldn’t do it. The path he had decided to take was a lonely one and he had to find the strength to walk it all by himself.

He felt lost. He couldn’t have what he wanted and didn’t want what he could have.

He had been so lost in his own thoughts that he never heard her worried voice calling him by his rank, and by the time he reacted she was by his side with concern written all over her youthful face. She looked blurry, and it wasn’t until then that he realized his eyes were misty.

Later he would berate himself relentlessly for such an action until realizing that he was running out of things to lose and accepting it as what it had been, an impulse. Illogical, irrational and plain stupid. And yet… he couldn’t bring himself to actually regret it. 

“If I were to ask you something…” He hated the sound of his own voice. He was a captain, for God’s sake, and he sounded like a scared child. “For something, would you—”

“Anything.” 

She interrupted him with such a fierce tone that he was left speechless for a second. 

“It’s nothing, forget it.” 

He could not betray her like this. This stupid insane request could not be the last memory of him for her. They had always respected each other and he was not to taint that on his very last day. He started to step away, back to his chair, but she followed him, keeping the distance between them close, almost intimate. 

“No, I won't, I’m sorry, Sir, but I won’t.” 

The fierceness was still there but now her voice was barely above a whisper, as if she knew his request had nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the CTP or their mission or Starfleet. 

“Just say it… please,” it was only then that she whispered. 

“Please don’t be scared.” 

He wanted to tell her that this was not usual, that this was not his usual self, that he was not a creep taking advantage of a junior officer; but then her voice put his doubts to rest in a way that surprised him. 

“I’ll never be scared with you.” 

She didn’t whisper now. She just stared into his eyes and kept holding his gaze. 

How do you ask for this? Without sounding like an idiot? A million things ran through his mind, but then he remembered: the best way to get into a cold stream. 

“I…” He hesitated for a second as he heard his inner voice screaming to stop and get away, but her gaze, steady and warm, gave him the last push he didn’t know he needed. “Can I kiss you?”

“Kiss me?” 

She repeated his words as a question, and it was then that he felt the walls closing in on him. What the hell was he doing? She was an ensign. She was eighteen years and two months younger than him. He was her CO! How could he be so stupid? So disrespectful of her as a woman and as an officer. 

“Yes… No, I—” 

His voice was strangled and he felt his face on fire. Suddenly the memory of his most violent episodes of asthma came to mind as he struggled to breathe. All the time he had spent trying to lead by example, trying to make his crews proud, trying always to be the best version of himself… he was ruining it all. 

“Yes… Yes, you can.” 

Her soft but self-assured voice stopped his inner turmoil dead in its tracks. He had been so ready for a negative, a horrified expression, a slap or even a giggle that it had never occurred to him that he would really have to kiss her. 

“You can kiss me,” she nodded slowly, as if to make him understand that he had heard her right, as if she understood that he needed reassurance that all of this was not a figment of his own imagination. 

They were already close but without hesitation, she got closer. He took the time to look at her beautiful face, her pale skin, her plump lips, her long lashes, the deep blue of her eyes and the spark inside. The unwavering trust he saw in them and the shadow of worry.

Slowly, he brought his hands to her face and let his fingers caress her cheek and run through her hair. It was soft and silky. Cupping her face while staring at her, he understood the immense value of a glance. He could have spent the rest of his life living in that moment, staring at her face and inhaling the faint aroma of the fruity shampoo and the vanilla perfume she used. Feeling her breathing, a bit labored, going through her mouth and sending little puffs of air right towards his own lips. 

He moved slowly to savor every second, but most importantly to give her every opportunity to back away, to stop him.

She didn’t even flinch.

When their lips were millimeters apart, he saw her eyes close in anticipation and he knew he would forever have her face in his mind.

The first touch was feathery, their lips barely making contact, followed by a small, timid peck, like the first kiss you ever receive when you’re still a kid and curiosity gets the better of you and your friend. Slowly, with more confidence, he pressed his lips against hers, feeling the warmth, exploring their soft texture. Almost involuntarily he let his tongue gently slide over her lips with soft touches. Her lips parted, her mouth welcoming him timidly like a high-school sweetheart; but before he knew it her tongue was softly caressing his lips too, and he nearly lost it. Soon their tongues met and started a duel for dominance; it had become a passionate kiss of two lovers that can’t be without the other and all the time in the universe is not enough to be together, so consuming that they both had to come up for air… and then kiss again; only this time it was the gentle and romantic kiss newlyweds would share at the altar, right before family and friends, showing the world how much they love and care for each other after promising an eternity of adoration. 

Gently, he let go of her lips, and the moment they separated he was already missing her; but she quickly and unexpectedly leaned in and gave him a tender kiss as her hands cradled his face. It was the kiss he had always imagined his wife would give him every morning. The kiss that says I Love You and the life we have together, the everyday kiss that keeps you warm inside and makes you feel safe. The kiss that means you are home.

She looked at him with eyes full of silent desire, warmth, but most of all, worry. He knew a thousand questions were running through her mind and he could not provide any solid answer other than him wanting to have the memory of a kiss to keep him company on his lonely journey.

Knowing her, he had hoped for a delicious kiss that for some reason would taste like spumoni and be nothing but the indulgence of a man afraid of tomorrow; but he now realized she had made him live an entire life in a single kiss.

“Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it.” Her whispered words had a heart-breaking edge, matching her eyes that were barely containing tears. “Just say it.”

He couldn’t help the sad chuckle that escaped his lips. 

“You can’t, Sylvia, no one can.” 

He matched her tone, unable to break the small but illicit bubble his action and her reaction had created. 

“But I can—” she argued, but was interrupted by his fingertip over her lips.

“You just did,” he whispered.

…………

His farewell party was everything he could have wanted. The ship on autopilot to meet the Enterprise, his crew having a good time, and the feeling that, at that specific moment in time, everything was as it was supposed to. When Michael called everyone’s attention and asked him to say a few words, he found himself almost choking back tears at the thought of leaving his friends and the ship he had come to consider his second home. He kept it short, but the look on the faces of his bridge crew, the people that knew him most, told him that they all understood what he meant by his words and also with his silence.

Among the small crowd he could see a cascade of red curls with a small smile and sad eyes. He wanted to go talk to her, to steal one more minute… but as usual in his life… wrong time and wrong place.

He debated with himself about whether to go see her or not before his departure. The CO inside of him kept telling him to let it go, that nothing good would come out of it. But the scared man that knew the final destination of the road ahead of him—the man that would look every morning in the mirror and study the face that one day would change beyond recognition, the man that would sometimes grab a PADD and think about the tactile sensation and its familiar weight on his hand—that man wanted to look at her one more time, feel her warmth again, to hold it and carry it along the journey.

After checking over and over Michael's location… and hers to make sure he couldn't use the Science Officer's presence as an excuse not to do what he was aching to do, he moved on to wonder for the hundredth time if this was okay; but the doubt never slowed his steps towards his destination.

Reaching her door, he pressed gently the screen to announce himself and waited for her soft voice to let him in as his heart hammered in his chest.

His first thought when seeing her was that she should have looked more surprised to see her Captain at her door at what was their night. Her eyes were still carrying the sad shadow he had seen before, but her lips, as usual, presented him with the kind smile that was uniquely hers.

“Hello… Sir?”

She let his rank hang in the air as a very valid question. Was he there as a Captain? As a friend? As a man? As a desperate man?

“Hi.” 

He prayed his voice didn't sound as scared as he felt. 

He was a grown man and suddenly he felt like a seventeen year old in front of the girl he so desperately wanted to ask to go to prom. He could feel his palms sweating and his heart beating even faster than before. It was as if by some weird fluke she was calm and collected and he was the fidgeting ball of nerves.

She saw right through him, but had mercy. 

“I was about to start reading about the Peace Treaty of Europa,” she commented, pointing towards her desk.

“Right,” he nodded, relieved and grateful that she was giving him footing instead of watching him drown in his own anxiety. “It’s weird to know that you guys are studying events I was there for.” 

He wasn't sure he was joking or not, as her study material only reminded him of the gaps between them. Ages, ranks, ships, futures… 

She let out a little laugh. 

“If I’d known you were there, I would have just come to talk to you… The material is… boring… very boring, actually."

“You can always call me, Sy…” 

Sylvia? He had called her by her name less than a day before as her hands had been gently cupping his tired face. Was now the time to do it again? He realized he truly didn’t care.

“Sylvia.” Her name, strange yet familiar.

“I’ll keep it in mind… Cap—”

“Chris,” he cut her off, with a tone that he knew sounded more eager than necessary. “I’m no longer the CO of this ship.” 

He had the irrational need to know that she didn’t see him as her CO; he didn’t want that barrier between them anymore. And right then he felt like if he could just make her say his name, it would be a small victory. He wanted her to see him as a man, not as an officer. As Chris, not as Captain Christopher Pike. 

“OK then… Chris,” she tried with a sweet smile that only triggered one of his own. She always made him smile.

Before he could make a fool of himself, he remembered why he was there. 

“Look… I… I really don’t know how to say this, but I guess I just wanted to apologize for last night. I was completely—“

“Don’t!” she interrupted him, with her words, her tone and even her palm for emphasis.

He felt at a loss for words at her vehemence.

She took a deep breath and blinked slowly. 

“I don’t know if you’re apologizing because you’re sorry it happened and you regret it or because you think it’s what I expect from you… but whatever the reason, just don’t, please,” she pleaded, with her blue eyes piercing him. “If you think I want or expect your apology, I really don’t. And if you are sorry and regret it, I really don’t want to know. So, please… Chris, do not apologize.”

Chris opened his mouth, but nothing came out. 

“If I hadn’t wanted it to happen, I would have said it and I know you would have never taken advantage of me as a captain… or as a man, for that matter,” she finished, nodding as to reaffirm her words.

Chris felt the regret hit him hard, but not for the kiss they had shared. No. He regretted not knowing her more, putting his rank as an excuse to avoid taking the time to see the woman that was underneath the ensign. And for what? What was so amazing about spending your nights with a book and a glass of bourbon? Right then he would have gladly given away the wisdom acquired thanks to some printed words in exchange for a night listening to her telling him about her favorite flavor of ice cream; just hearing her voice full of joy and full of life, full of possibilities. Of future. 

He smiled what he knew was a sad smile and sighed. 

“You are amazing, Sylvia. Just amazing… Don’t let anyone, anywhere, tell you any different, ever,” he said, getting closer to her. 

Sylvia’s big blue eyes stared at him with expectation and maybe even hope. It broke his heart to know that right there in front of him was a woman that was just the type he loved to love. Smart, brilliant, good, funny, sweet, loyal and God, so beautiful. It was so cruel and so humbling at the same time to realize that it took knowing his fate for him to understand that all the rules and regulations and conventions meant nothing, because in that very moment he only wanted to ask her out, beam down on some planet somewhere in the galaxy and just have dinner with her. Starfleet ranks be damned. 

But what stopped him was not the knowledge engraved in his mind, but the hope in her eyes. He couldn’t do that to her, to anyone actually, but especially not to her. One cruel story was enough, and he could carry its burden alone if it meant saving her from anguish. 

With a heavy sigh he took another step and stood a few inches from her, invading her personal space in a way that would have been unthinkable at another time. He reached inside his pocket for the token he was leaving with her, while with the other hand he gently grabbed one of hers, opening it. Slowly, he placed the small object on her palm and, with both his hands, closed it. 

He kept her small hand cradled between his while looking at her face. This was it. This was goodbye. This was him ending the amazing detour that had lead him to Discovery, to new friends, new adventures, to her. This was him returning to the path that had nothing but darkness ahead. Looking at her, he felt as if he was staring at a sunset back in Mojave, the clear sky splashed with a million colors, and among them the fiery orange was king, making everything and everyone glow with warmth, just like she did with everything around her. 

“I wish my future held something different for me… I wish I had more time,” he whispered, holding her hands tighter. “I will always remember you. Don’t ever change, Sylvia… Stay true to yourself… always.”

Her face held so many questions he could not answer, so many doubts he could not dissipate. 

“Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong? You look like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders,” she asked with pleading eyes. 

Not the world, just my future… 

“Someday you’ll understand… You… you’ll see why—” 

He couldn’t finish, the lump in his throat almost making him choke. 

He knew he was on the verge of breaking right in front of her and he couldn’t afford it. He had to go, get away from her as soon as possible; but the finality of it kept him rooted in place, unable to move, taking one last glance at her. The last look at the sun before it disappeared on the horizon, leaving the world in the dark. He memorized the color of her eyes, the twirls of her curls, the tone of her skin, the shape of her mouth, the tiny freckles on her nose. He would carry the image of her face and the taste of her lips to keep him company on the lonely days ahead. To give him strength when fear made him hesitate, to keep him warm when life became cold. 

He brought her hand, still safely encapsulated in his, to his lips and kissed it while rubbing his thumb over her soft knuckles. 

“Goodbye, Sylvia. Thank you for everything… You… you’ve given me more than you could possibly know.”

Letting go of her hand, he smiled and slowly started to walk backwards towards the door, but completely unable to stop looking at her. 

Sylvia’s eyes were full of sorrow and shiny with unshed tears. 

“I’ll miss you!” she blurted out, with an almost desperate edge to her tone. “You’re amazing.”

Chris couldn’t hold back the soft laugh and the smile she made appear on his face, just like the day he met her. 

“No, you are amazing, Sylvia, and one day you are going to be an amazing captain,” he said with a sincere smile. 

She laughed bitterly. 

“I wish I had that confidence in myself.”

The doors opened at his back as he got into the sensors range, and he stopped.

“I was in your place once, full of doubts, wondering if I was ever going to make it, if I was good enough… It’s okay to have doubts as long as you keep going. Trust me, you will make it… sooner than you think.” He wondered if he’d be able to see her someday, even from afar, in her Captain’s uniform. “And I’ll be there to see it.” 

He hoped with all his heart the last part was true. 

“Goodbye, Sylvia,” Chris said, turning around and leaving her quarters, stepping into the corridor towards the turbolift, towards the transporter room, towards the Enterprise, towards his future, towards darkness. 

…………

Inside her quarters, Sylvia Tilly was left staring at the closed door with her heart hammering inside her chest, her mind going a mile a minute, and her cold hands missing the warmth his hands had provided. 

As she clenched them she felt the object he had given her. Opening her hand slowly, she frowned a bit as she saw the back of his Delta insignia. His name was engraved on it. Why would he leave her his badge? 

Looking at it more closely, she noticed it didn’t look right. The color was not the correct one and it didn’t look new. It actually looked similar to her own insignia. Turning it on her palm, she had her answer. Instead of the four pips and the star, she saw one pip and the symbol of the Operations branch. 

She was holding the insignia of Ensign Christopher Pike. 

Her vision turned blurry and she saw as one drop fell on the small piece of metal, then another. One by one, the tears showed up. For some reason this badge meant much more to her than any medal or recognition, because it wasn’t a prize for something she had done. It was a promise of efforts and sacrifices, but also of achievements and accomplishments, a promise of future. It was the beacon she was going to turn to when doubt and fear became too much. The compass that would guide her in the right direction. The comfort she would seek when feeling alone. He, Starfleet’s best, had once walked the path she was trudging now, and this felt like a warm blanket over her shoulders. He had faith in her and his faith gave her courage. 

And maybe, just maybe, one day their paths would cross again and she would finally have the answers to the questions she never dared to ask. When she was no longer an ensign staring at her Captain, they would find each other again as Chris and Sylvia, and this time she was going to be the one to ask for a kiss… Maybe, just maybe, the first kiss of many. 

Maybe…

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to sciosophia for being an amazing beta and to Ishipeverythingever for the constant encouragement.


End file.
